Sunday, October 29, 2006

Dark Days


It's getting dark, the days are going to really draw in now. The clocks going back brings a feeling of shutting down, closing the door on the summer, and in fact today it's really depressed me. I've visited my gran who is dying slowly of lung cancer. I've said goodbye to my sister, again... so many goodbyes, it makes my heart ache. I haven't touched a school book while having a week off, for which i am going to pay dearly tomorrow. Am i the only teacher in the world who has given up trying to conquer the work load? Probably. It worries me that i care so little about my job. Please don't shoot me for saying that. Oh dear, sometimes sundays can really be too much. When the light of tomorrow comes, metaphorically speaking as well as literally speaking, i will feel better. Even the antiques roadshow is having a hard time cheering me up today though.

All day i have laughed and made jokes, yet when i look deeply into myself, there is sadness in me, clambering to get out. To bathe me in its healing. A few days back i was sitting on top of a huge cliff, looking out on an ocean of possiblity, and healing then too. I have to remember that i can take myself back there in my mind whenever i wish, so that it can show me the truth again, and that really no doors are closing on me. And how ironic.. the album i'm listening to has just sung these words to me:

Don't let your soul get lonely, in time it will go by.
Don't look for love in places, in faces,
it's in you, that's where you'll find it.
Be here now.


And how true. And now my emotions are flowing again, rather than trying to survive in a stagnant pool of nothingness. Now my colour is returning, and i can remember what is important again.


Finding the world in the smallness of a grain of sand
And holding infinities in the palm of your hand

And Heaven's realms in the seedlings of this tiny flower

And eternities in the space of a single hour

Don't lose your faith in me,
and i will try not to lose my faith in you
Don't put your faith in walls,
for they will only crush you when they fall

2 comments:

Anonymous said...

Wow! I know this place well. The one where it feels like you’ll never smile again – where we only breathe in and not out. Where the retreating Sun isn’t just a cause for darker days but for terror. I can really feel the ache in your heart through your words. It’s a place I go (or rather where I’m cast) when I become “unplugged” from Source – when my consciousness descends to the point where I lose the realization that we are all connected and of the same source. Its then that my heart cries for me its silent soulful song of despair!

Fear not oh avoider of books, oh giver of too many goodbyes, oh hater of work, for whether or not you share the consciousness of Source at this very moment (as you have no doubt at other times) know this! Indeed you are loved. And in the end love is all there really is . . .

Kerria Japonica said...

You are loved, and even though I was one of those you said goodbye to, I will never say goodbye to you in my soul, and I will always be with you in spirit. And I know you know really, that the world of love is with you forever xxxxxx