If I Could Have One Wish...

Love Monster

When i look back on my life i can see that i have always been afraid. And who hasn't? There isn't a single person on earth who doesn't carry some fear with them, or else they wouldn't be here you could argue, there would be no point to them living this life here in this place. But i genuinely feel that i have carried more than the 'average' person, whatever that is. I can see that even when i was a very little person i have felt this fear, unable to understand what it was, what it meant, unable even to comprehend it as fear rather than, at times, a feeling of near insanity and a kind of darkness in my soul. At times i have felt almost evil with it as it's coursed through my veins, felt that there was a monster living inside me.

I realise that sounds very heavy. Fortunately i have come to understand my fear, come to manage it, learnt how to deal with it and find light in my life more readily. When i left home i had to learn to deal with it or drown under it, which sometimes i felt close to doing. I have learnt to fight it through letting it go. I've realised just how irrational and outside life it is, and learnt through it who i am in a far more meaningful way. I am grateful that i have been so afraid of myself, as otherwise i would not know just how much point there is to life, just how beautiful our existence here is and why we must fight to attain light. I've come to realise that fear is in fact one of my greatest teachers, and that it has in fact shown me a path to happiness rather than driven me from it, because i have allowed it that. And all these things i am humbly grateful for, because i know that without them i would not be who i am now.

And yet today i wonder, how much more fear can i release now? How much longer will i have to go on battling with myself, sacrificing my darkness, letting go of the knot in my stomach which prevents the light coming in? When will i learn to let my life flow, to have in my life those feelings and those things which i image so frequently which are full of life, full of meaning, full of hope and love? When can i have them? I know that i will never be totally free of fear, or as i said, what would be the point of living? This is what makes us human after all. And i know that i am much closer to achieving this state that i dream of. But still i want to feel my own self without consciously having to make an effort to do that. This is what i yearn for. If i could have one wish, it would be to have this. And to give out this knowledge to all those who feel themselves amidst the darkness.