Thursday, September 28, 2006

The Moment I Let Go of It....

The moment i let go of it
Was the moment i got more than i could handle
The moment i jumped off of it
Was the moment i touched down
From Thank You, Alanis Morissette
Supposed Former Infatuation Junkie
I am always in awe of musicians and poets who seem able to express ideas imaginitively and get their meaning across so universally. Probably because i've never felt that gate to open easily in myself, although i'm getting better at allowing that. Alanis Morrissette is one of these people. This woman is a woman in touch. Her music is often raw, awkward, i just can't listen to a lot of it, and yet there is no denying for me that her words will so often resonate inside me, give expression to feelings i have not been able to put words to. In her song Thank you from the album Supposed Former Infatuation Junkie, she gives thanks for things in her life which have brought her happiness or understanding. She talks about dangling carrots and things she doesn't need anymore, and thanks India, disillusionment, frailty, consequence, silence for bringing her greater understanding of her life. But it's the lines above which have special relevance to me today. Because i've realised that having let go of something really major in my life, i've gone and got it more than i ever realised.
It is a fundamental law of nature. When you release something into the world, when you give it up and allow it to leave you, like a boomerang it returns to you and smacks you one in the chops. If you're reading this then you may have read my piece a few weeks back about a moment i experienced at a pool table, when i realised i hadn't achieved any of the things i wanted to in my life, and this was making me desperately unhappy. I was distraught, i couldn't believe that i wasn't about to have a family, wasn't about to settle down, wasn't about to get married, wasn't about to get a joint bank account. My life had none of the things i wanted in it...
I realised after this moment of anger and frustration that i had wanted those things for a long, long time, since i was quite young really. I'd seen my sister married and have three beautiful children, and at the time i believed that she and her husband were the embodiment of happiness - a pillar of marital bliss. I was so unhappy in myself that to me that was the only visible route for achieving happiness again. But a couple of weeks after the pool table incident and i realised that in fact i didn't need or want any of those things in reality.
That in fact this was a mind set which had served to make my present life unbearable and which was part of a darker side of me which liked to tell me i've failed, i've not been capable or worthy enough of achieving these things. And as the feelings rose in me that night, a structure was breaking down in me, pushing out and disbanding itself so i could move on. A few weeks on again and i realise that i have let go of all that torment, i have thrown it all to the wind. The most liberating and peaceful feeling.
But it seems that having done that i'm attracting back into my life the things i really need. Feelings of togetherness and trust in my relationships which i've never had before. I feel more cared about and loved than ever, and more seen than invisible. Where before there was always a reason to see an end, all i'm seeing now is beginnings and futures panning out before me. Where hearts were once firmly shut, now they are beginning to blossom. I'm wondering what else i can let go of, so that i can get more of it than i can handle..... Thank you Alanis.

9 comments:

Susannah Conway said...

the lessons, and revelations, are coming fast and furious aren't they round here :-) i say: bring it on... you are doing wonderfully, my little petal x

Anonymous said...

a beautifully honest post, natalie! i hope things continue to move in that direction for you...

Letha Sandison said...

Hi Natalie! thank you for visiting my blog and for your comments, nice to meet you!

This post was wonderful to read and echos much of what I have been feeling lately.

I hope that everything continues to blossom for you.

XOX

Left-handed Trees... said...

This post was very introspective and intimate...I appreciated reading about your process.

Darrin said...

comment comment comment . . blah blah blah . . :) haha

I read this the other day, honest, its quite deep. I think putting anyone on a pedestal is dangerous, but not bad. Happiness isn't about achievements, but as humans we naturally look for milestones to tell us when we "arrived" somewhere.

Anyway, it was great meeting you, your family and the lad! :) See ya

Madeleine said...

you are blossoming and blooming before my very eyes, Nat.
you are more beautiful every day, brought to you by you new found freedom, by the love you are feeling around you.
yes you are sooo loved by us all.

i loved reading this. i love the process you are experiencing, and how you share this with us.
xxx

Rachel said...

OOOOh great words Nat, and so much realisation of the past. Here's to the future and whatever is in store for you.......

M said...

Love Alanis - post "Too Hot" days of course!! Your words are magical as always. "more seen than invisible" - wow. Glad you are feeling better, hope you'll be back blogging soon!!

Lady Prism said...

Alais speaks to me as well...just like your post did..hauntingly beautiful..