The Moment I Let Go of It....

The moment i let go of it

Was the moment i got more than i could handle

The moment i jumped off of it

Was the moment i touched down

From Thank You, Alanis Morissette

Supposed Former Infatuation Junkie

I am always in awe of musicians and poets who seem able to express ideas imaginitively and get their meaning across so universally. Probably because i've never felt that gate to open easily in myself, although i'm getting better at allowing that. Alanis Morrissette is one of these people. This woman is a woman in touch. Her music is often raw, awkward, i just can't listen to a lot of it, and yet there is no denying for me that her words will so often resonate inside me, give expression to feelings i have not been able to put words to. In her song Thank you from the album Supposed Former Infatuation Junkie, she gives thanks for things in her life which have brought her happiness or understanding. She talks about dangling carrots and things she doesn't need anymore, and thanks India, disillusionment, frailty, consequence, silence for bringing her greater understanding of her life. But it's the lines above which have special relevance to me today. Because i've realised that having let go of something really major in my life, i've gone and got it more than i ever realised.

It is a fundamental law of nature. When you release something into the world, when you give it up and allow it to leave you, like a boomerang it returns to you and smacks you one in the chops. If you're reading this then you may have read my piece a few weeks back about a moment i experienced at a pool table, when i realised i hadn't achieved any of the things i wanted to in my life, and this was making me desperately unhappy. I was distraught, i couldn't believe that i wasn't about to have a family, wasn't about to settle down, wasn't about to get married, wasn't about to get a joint bank account. My life had none of the things i wanted in it...

I realised after this moment of anger and frustration that i had wanted those things for a long, long time, since i was quite young really. I'd seen my sister married and have three beautiful children, and at the time i believed that she and her husband were the embodiment of happiness - a pillar of marital bliss. I was so unhappy in myself that to me that was the only visible route for achieving happiness again. But a couple of weeks after the pool table incident and i realised that in fact i didn't need or want any of those things in reality.

That in fact this was a mind set which had served to make my present life unbearable and which was part of a darker side of me which liked to tell me i've failed, i've not been capable or worthy enough of achieving these things. And as the feelings rose in me that night, a structure was breaking down in me, pushing out and disbanding itself so i could move on. A few weeks on again and i realise that i have let go of all that torment, i have thrown it all to the wind. The most liberating and peaceful feeling.

But it seems that having done that i'm attracting back into my life the things i really need. Feelings of togetherness and trust in my relationships which i've never had before. I feel more cared about and loved than ever, and more seen than invisible. Where before there was always a reason to see an end, all i'm seeing now is beginnings and futures panning out before me. Where hearts were once firmly shut, now they are beginning to blossom. I'm wondering what else i can let go of, so that i can get more of it than i can handle..... Thank you Alanis.

The Meeting

This poem is entitled The Meeting. It's about meeting a shadow side of me (if you hadn't guessed already) which i used to do a lot of and have been reminded of through recent conversations. In lots of work i've done on myself i've used symbolism to help heal darker aspects of me, and this poem is highly representative of that. I found the most effective way to deal with shadows is to see their beauty, so often i have been given an image of a jewel or flower to place deep within the heart of something which represents my fear. It's really worked to help bring in compassion for that side of me rather than judgement.

I can feel her pushing inside me
Beautiful wretch
Feverishly she attempts to bend the bars of her lower prison
Lifts a stilted eye to the gap where a shaft of light sparkles
Fighting desperately for recognition, for breath
Scratching at the chain

She has been there too long
But to go meet her eye is to be afraid
Don't bang so loud, dear one
Yet guided by your hand, a voice which has no sound i arrive
To open that door and burn her
Put a match to the fear of her desire

Hand trembling i see her now
She flickers in and out from the deepest shadows
Crawling, pitiful, hidden
Hold the diamond against her mass of darkness, shamed and sorrowful
Time and fear's blended creation

Step forward, i'm moving closer in now
Revealed to me her broken face
I cut into her heavy outline
As black layers fall to dust around
And as the tears fall bitterly from her face
She can die now
And be born again

She Will Consume You

Either you change or you die in me
That is my choice
This invasion stops here
Now face the wall
and see it transform to a pathway
If that is your desire

See her beauty
For it is eternal
Unknown to you it contains you
And breathes your life, your breath

You may think her power dead
but she will rise with a force which you have never seen
and consume you

You may see her lying broken
But her wounds are nothing
When you realise the damage you have caused yourself
Would you like to try it out, try her?
Please, go on, walk on and test that space
Your path will lead to a forest of darkness

Whereas she will be filled with light
Growing stronger by the hour
She could shine her light upon your path
And set you free, if you just asked

You could join her
Close your eyes and hold on
To some form of belief
And see yourself grow from nothing to everything

Blog, blog, blog

Blog, blog, blog. Seeing as this week's prompt is to google something you want to find out more about, i googled the blog itself. Apparently it first started to take off in 1999, and today there are more than 20 million blogs worldwide. Dictionaries now house terminology related to this phenomena, such as

'blogorrhea': Typically refers to meaningless ranting and raving on a blog

'blogrolling': Creating a blog. Blogrolling tools are available to simplify the job of adding and removing links. It also may imply trading links between blog sites to increase the list.

'blognosing': Sucking up to people with the hopes of getting linked in their blog. From "brown-nosing."

'War blog': A blog that came into being after 9/11 and deals with the war against terrorists.

'dooced': Neologism. To get dooced is to lose one's job because of one's website. The term was coined by blogger Heather B. Armstrong, after she was fired for writing stories about her colleagues on her blog Dooce.com. Her advice to bloggers is never to write about their work on the Internet unless their boss knows and sanctions the fact that they are doing so. (Who would do that?)

'Escribitionist': a person who keeps a diary or journal via electronic means, and in particular, publishes their entries on the world wide web. The word was coined in June 1999 by Erin Venema, an online diarist, in the course of a discussion on a mailing list for web journalers. At issue was how to distinguish web journal authors from keepers of traditional paper-and-ink diaries.

"moblogging": posting to the internet from a portable or mobile device

'blogdote': jokes, humour, anecdotes and funny stories posted on a blog... such as this one from Rach's blog:
Japan Police versus Darth Vadar

Thank you, my love

Is it ok to slip into the shoes of another of my selves? Here isn't a place that i go very often, and i realise that i should more. Expressing love isn't half as easy as expressing fear, not for me anyway. As i've heard the lyrics of love songs and lines of love poetry, i've always thought it was too hard for me to be able to express that kind of stuff without feeling plain stupid. I have incorporated the style of other poets in my piece, but it's a mish mash and has no single inspiration.

Thanks for looking at me not through me
I need a love like that
There's a little sun on my back
As i laugh your laugh and cry your tears

Thanks for putting my world at stake
Suddenly
I need a love like that
There's some rain to quench my thirst
Even though i teeter on the verge of everything

Thanks for turning my castles to sand
I need a love like that
As i see your soul older than the ocean
There's a breath of wind through an empty desert

Thanks for loving my light and loving my dark
I need a love like that
To open up my past
And cast out the deep shadows of the earth

Thanks for enjoying and not competing
I need a love like that
So when the stars all burn away
The love we've shared stays forever
In everything

Only 19, Paolo....

If you don't have the new Paolo Nutini album, then go buy it....now. This Italian-sounding boy is in fact Scottish and from Paisley, and is also in fact a 19 year old genius whose album i'm finding hard to put down, so to speak. I didn't realise he was so young ...i feel a deja vu coming on:-) he's clearly going to go far. In "Jenny Don't Be Hasty' he feels his age acutely as he tells Jenny, well, not to be hasty, when he realises that she does in fact care that he's not 23 but a mere 18, (now 19!) and that now she's looking at him all 'disgusted' and treating him 'like a baby'. He questions who makes up the rules about age and who she's answering to, and only wants her to forgive him and 'smile and change her mind'. But will she? To him it doesn't sound like it, poor baby. I hope she did change her mind, in the end, and doesn't 'kill him so'.


Jenny don't be hasty
You said you'd marry me if i was 23
but i'm one that you can't see if i'm only 18
tell me who makes the rules
obviously not you
who are you answering to?

Oh Jenny don't be hasty
don't treat me like a baby
let me take you where you let me
because leaving just upsets me

and i'll be round again
to see these other men
that are more adequate in the age department
i did not think you'd care
there'd be no problems here
but now you're looking at me like you're disgusted
and i'm deftly waiting for you to smile and change your mind
then i'll say i'm sorry and i'll wrap my arms around your body
i really hope that you forgive in a hurry and don't just ask me to leave

Oh Jenny don't be hasty
don't treat me like a baby
let me take you where you let me
because leaving just upsets me
oh Jenny you are crazy
first i'm perfect then i'm lazy
i was calling you my baby
now it sounds like you've just left me
and it kills me so

you said you'd marry me if i was 23
but i'm one that you can't see if i'm only 18

Poetry Thursday: Blue Landscape

I opened the gate to the blue landscape of my heart
And crawl on, slowly, concentrating.
The leaves wither and retract as i walk past
Once compelling, now anaethetised, withdrawn.

Birds fly up and fill the broken sky
In the distance the sun begins it's quickening rise
I walk now, more assured, across the resistant bridge
And i am home, i can feel that i am home.

I glance behind to catch an outline of myself
Now fading
To turn is to see the prize of my journey.
Brought to me silently, lovingly, outrageously
Other paths disappear in the light of it's glow

A search light shoots overhead
And comes to rest within my midst
It reveals all recognition of this haunting and beautiful place
How did she find me, and how did i ever leave at all

At the cliff i hear the rocks fall into the sea
While the stars align in a dark blue sky
I've left no footprints, scatter ashes around me
And i am home, i've found my blue home

Sunday Scribblings

My ego has really got me today. It's had me in its throes, its little voice arguing with me as i just let myself be me, stop fighting with myself. It doesn't like it obviously as having cleared my head of its ramblings and having found a centred place, it has no room to live. I often find that times where i'm contented and feel peace of mind are followed by surges of self doubt and hesitation. It's like a machine that's had its usual workings blocked, so that everything comes crashing out in an overload of energy. It needs putting in its place or else it will easily get the better of you.

My ego works more subtly than that though on a more everyday level. Tomorrow i go back to work. I've had six weeks off now (i'm so lucky), and this space has allowed me to see myself more objectively. I've begun to see how my ego works in me to try to keep me in a safe place which it knows and yet which suppresses me.

Playing a game of pool a few weeks ago, the most unlikely setting for something so major, and something opened up in me, part of me came rising to the surface which had long been hidden away. All my frustrations and anger at not having achieved what i want to achieve came flooding out, and it was only the start of something much, much bigger. I don't know how long it's been now i've thought that i wanted to have a family; to settle down. The crazy thing is i think i've wanted it since i was young, really young. At that pool table all i could feel was that i hadn't got it, it wasn't there in my life. I was overwhelmed by the fact that i simply couldn't seem to grasp it.

But now, a few weeks later, that angst and frustration has cleared from me. That moment at the pool table was it all rising to the surface so that i could finally free myself of it. I can see so clearly that my need for this has in fact been a good way for me to put extra pressure on myself, growing stronger as i've got older, and that in fact i don't need, or rather i don't want, any of that yet. It's like i don't know the person who wanted those things anymore, as if she's dead. Someone new has been born into my life. The ideas i have held on to so strongly, like a child with a lolly, have worked against me rather than for me. I am still young and still have so many things which i want to do before my life becomes dedicated to other people. Having my sister's children here reminds me that i like my freedom, thank you. They are the best children in the world and i love them with all my heart, but i don't in fact want to recreate that for myself yet. I've only just found a bigger part of me, a more expansive part of me. I'm going to enjoy being with that and enjoy integrating her back into my life.

The urgency i felt for this family of mine has also been a good way for me to make the circumstances i find myself in impossible to support. And what i mean by that is that by putting this pressure on myself i'm in fact making where my life is right now something which is impossible, something which can't possibly make me happy and which instead is something i've been striving to change continually. That's a lot of fighting and it wears you out. I can't fight anymore. It's a massive change in my outlook and it's like i've dropped this weight i've carried around for so long. Metaphorically speaking i've changed the clothes i'm wearing because they were way too worn out. I'm ready to go back to work tomorrow now. I'm ready to give myself up to that lifestyle again, now that i have found something so much more important to feed my life.

Sun, Sand and Ice Cream, Well, Almost

I have a very special connection with the Suffolk and Norfolk coastline. I spent seven years living around there and i miss is desperately. Southwold, Aldeburgh, Orford, Thorpeness are wild places with a grey and heavy North Sea which inspires many an artist and poet. The skies are expansive, the light is somehow more luminescent than in Dorset. These places feel untouched to me: it's such a shame that Bournemouth has become so commercialised and touristic. These places allow you to feel part of something much bigger, much older; ancient even. I went back this week with my sister, and travelling to a place so special to me made me realise how short life is and that it's so important to do what you love, rather than what you have to... at least some of the time. It was not sun, sand and sea though... the English summer meant it was cloudy at best and people ate their fish and chips with cardies and jumpers on, followed by anoraks and umbrellas and people heading for the nearest shelter. England is the best, huh?... I wonder whether i'll ever make it back there to live as i want to. I wonder whether i will be free of the ties i have here and i can finally go home. If life is what you make it then what on earth am i doing here? I love my family connections here and i am settled, relatively. But i know in my heart that it's not my home and that for some reason i have to head, emotionally, spiritually, and physically, back to that place.

Poetry Thursday - on Friday

When i first heard it, i really didn't gel with Nerina Pallot's album 'Fires'. I can honestly say that the image of her on the front of the album affected the way i perceived the music... a total lack of objectivity. But as i've listened to it more and seen her sing live on TV my affection has grown, and i find her songs (contrastingly) inspiring and heartfelt and intelligent. In short, a complete turnaround. Not like me at all then... So i have written a poem for poetry thursday (sorry it's late) which is inspired by the song Idaho, because not only is it a great tune but because i connected with the fundamental idea of it: needing to leave a place (whether physical or emotional). I can't seem to leave it though, even though my intentions are good. I find it really hard sometimes to trust my intuition and follow my feelings. Clarity of heart and mind really is a gift.

Unsteady Ground
One minute i pack my bags full and i'm ready to go
I'm driving down that highway with the lights all green
It's dark, but in the distance I can see a land full of hope and power and freedom
The headlights are on and i've a reason to go

But a whisper, starts low, starts slow, starts to breathe
In the background
Of the song which i sing to help hurry me home
In the headlights shoots a shadow, now there, now gone
Flickering familiar, sweet, haunting.

And now i hear them, louder, clearer
Your sweet words... naive and beautiful
Are dragging me back home
The lie is caressing me, but is it your lie or mine?
The ground here is becoming unsteady now
The road sweeps me up in its undertow

The light turn to red and now i'm sick of it all
I'm sick of myself and of you who wants to love me so
I'm sick of my need for the sun and the breeze
When i don't have the will to go that distance within
Blocks forming prisons instead within my soul

And as i fall back in i'll be kind to myself
And whisper those sweet lies in return for yours
I'll paint my new walls a different shade of blue
While from a crack in the glass i can see a glimmer of that place
Where i have been so afraid to go
And the clock hands turn backwards as you come to me
And whisper sweet everythings in my ear

100 Things I Love

Now i'm finally getting the hang of this blogging lark, i'm going to congratulate myself by taking up the suggestion of my friend Sue, who has inspired me with her list of 100 things which she loves, to celebrate her 100th bloggy post. (See Ink on my Fingers blogspot link). She has suggested that we all write a list of things, and so this is my list. Thanks Sue for the idea... x

1. forgiveness: of myself
2. love of my family
3. chatting with kerry
4. The Bourne Identity (of course)
5. chicory coffee
6. big hugs
7. rainy days snuggled up
8. watching Bend It Like Beckham with my sister's children
9. long msn chats with certain people:-(
10. painting
11. drawing
12. visiting the tate and feeling so alive with it all
13. realising something that i haven't realised before
14. reading signs along the road of my life
15. Getting lost on the road only to find my way again
16. Dreaming of Norwich with its expansive skies
17. Listening to Porcelain by Moby
18. Watching free theatre on a warm evening by the Thames
19. Doing yoga and then eating like a pig
20. Knowing that someone is interested in me


21. parmesan cheese
22. eat natural bars - only the fruit and nut ones
23. cats, cuddling cats
24. flying
25. completing really hard sudoku problems
25. the smell of freshly cut grass
26. running hard and then relaxing lots
27. crying unabashedly
28. the sound of the sea
29. replanting a plant and watching it grow tall
30. saturdays in town
31. buying new music
32. finishing a painting
33. managing to upload a picture onto blogger
34. finishing work and driving home
35. baggy jeans
36. visiting somewhere i've never been before
37. romantic conversations in Devon fields:-(
38. the remarkable clarity of a hangover
39. breaking free from my mould and screaming it out
40. prophetic dreams


41. facing a fear, finally
42. turning the alarm off because i can stay in bed and snuggle
43. singing as loud as i can
44. feeling deep compassion
45. After You'd Gone by Maggie O'Farrell
46. Getting a first for an essay
47. 2 for 1 offers on anything
48. The beauty of Hengistbury Head in the winter
49. University ziggurats
50. Feeling safe in the sanctuary of my home
51. Max Sebald, for whom i have a profound affection and respect
52. Sitting on the steps at UEA in the summer sunshine
53. Writing a letter, and posting it too
54. Foreign friends who i miss
55. Rachael Yamagata's Happenstance
56. Blackberry smoothie
57. The smell of honeysuckle
58. Fixing a problem without any help (am i a man?)
59. The look of recognition on someone's face when a concept is finally understood
60. Tandoori King Prawns


61. A Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night Time
62. Big earrings
63. Putting a good picture in a frame
64. Having my fortune told
65. Long baths in winter
66. Dying and being born again
67. Healing another
68. Doing a headstand in front of other people
69. Learning the meaning of words i didn't know
70. Watching Friends (the programme), over and over again
71. Burning CDs and listening to them in my car
72. Swimming
73. Dancing, especially with another, cheek to cheek
74. The first kiss on a first date (only if it's good of course)
75. Finding peace of mind
76. Helping someone out
77. Feeling abundant
78. Artemis Fowl
79. Edinburgh
80. Camping with every known piece of equipment possible


81. Kahlil Gibran
82. New shoes
83. Definitely being in love
84. Finding freedom while i work
85. Spending lots of money
86. Going out for dinner
87. Weddings
88. Feeling safe
89. Publishing my art
90. Trusting someone utterly
91. Letting go of the past
92. Playing pool (even though i'm rubbish)
93. Meeting someone new
94. Obstacle courses
95. Shopping in Waitrose
96. Giving something up which is no longer good for me
97. Dreaming of all the things i want to have
98. Being me and accepting that
99. Gifts from above
100. My open heart

The Bourne Identity

I've been trying to work out what it is that i love so much about this film. Whenever anyone asks me what my favourite film is, I have to say this one. I think it's because Matt Damon plays a character who is born into a world (no pun intended) where he has no identity, where there are only a few reference points which are hazy at best and where he has to use his innate intelligence to find a way home, to find the point. There is one person who is there to guide him, and she provides him with a framework which he never realised he needed before. It's a constant fight against forces which work against him, yet his resourcefulness is too strong and in the end he wins over his past. Not to mention that in this film at least, he's gorgeous. At least i think so. Could this relate to me:-( ?

Something To Lighten Up Your Day...

Here's some art appreciation for you...

There was this guy and he had a girlfriend called Lorraine who was very pretty and he liked her a lot. One day he went to work to find that a new girl had started. Her name was Clearly and she was absolutely gorgeous. He became quite besotted with her and after a while it became obvious that she was interested in him too. But this guy was a loyal man and he wouldn't get involved with Clearly while he was still going out with Lorraine. He decided that there was nothing for it but to break up with her and get it on with the new girl. He planned several times to tell Lorraine but he couldn't bring himself to do it. One day they went for a walk along the river bank when Lorraine slipped and fell in to the river. The current carried her off and she drowned. The guy stopped for a moment by the river and then ran off smiling and singing: "I can see Clearly now Lorraine has gone"

Sorry... I know, I know..

Why will my computer not let me upload some of my images? Stupid damn thing..

It seems very typical that when I want to post some more of my art, this computer simply will not let me. Uploading jpeg images that are fundamentally no different whatsoever to other jpeg images already uploaded is clearly an impossible task. I really don't get it. Fortunately these ones let me. I hope you like them, or at least appreciate them.

Oh well, here's one anyway which decided it could deal with being moved. It's an extract from 'Higher meets Lower', again it's painted in oil and again in 2005.

'Sometimes Rivers Aren't Always Made of Water'.
2004.

Emotionally and phsically i felt very strange when i painted this piece. I physically cut in to the card i was painting on because i was angry and frustrated. It turned out to be a painting i love because of its raw energy and it's spontaneity. There was no pre-drawing, just layering on of paint again and again until i'd had enough.

An Introduction to the World of Natalie

What's a blog for anyway?

It's fascinating seeing how people use their blog to talk about so many different things and in so many different ways. I'm blogging because i wanted to share my art in particular with anyone who cared (or could be bothered) to see it, and to express myself in terms of my art and my family and my life in general. Who knows what may arrive.. Definitely some art (see underneath), and some pictures of my family, to give you a start. I would love to hear any comments you may have, but please make them constructive:-(

And what am i like? Well, i'm difficult to get to know as i'm extremely self-contained, and i often present people with my art which is a representation of me, expecting them to understand me more through that than by talking to me. I'm creative, reflective, love learning about everything, and child-like in my humour (although not child-ish i hope). I love reading and walking, and cats are just the best...

A proper introduction has, therefore, to include some of my art work. I paint, i draw, i make collages from anything i can find, i use photoshop to colour and define scanned images. When i'm drawing i go into an indescribable place where my mind is at ease and i feel at one with the world. Part of me rises to the surface which in day to day life is often shamefully pushed down. That's why it often seems to say more about me than me myself. I'm inspired by Franz Marc, Delaunay (Robert), Auerbach, Kandinsky and Braque. So here goes...

This one is called Edinburgh... i was inspired by a visit, felt as if i merged with the place almost. It was completed in 2005.

This is 'Extract from Flower'. It was also completed in 2005, but it's not the full image i'm afraid.. I used oil on canvas to paint this one. One of my prettier paintings...

This is 'My Dark Embrace'. Well i did say i was a fighter of evil... (1997).

'Spider'. A collage made from scraps of magazine and coloured paper. I was feeling particularly spiky the day the original drawing was created. 2004.

This is a study of a 20th century painting by Franz Marc, 'The Waterfall'. It is far more beautiful in its original form. Check him out on the net if you don't know his work, it's amazing stuff. He was killed in Verdun in 1916, and only painted for a relatively short period of time. What could he have produced had he been around for longer? I guess we'll never know..

Franz Marc: Horses with Eagle, 1912.

Another Marc: Roe in the Forest, 1913-14

And a final Marc piece: Blue Horses, 1911.

So there is an introduction to my art. I have also to include some pictures of my family, who i am close to. I have a twin sister, Kerry, my beautiful friend, and an older sister, Madeleine, who has 3 children, another beautiful friend. I also have a brother, much older than me, and of course there is my mum and my dad. My extended family includes a step-mother, step-brother and step-sister also, as my dad is remarried.


These are the gorgeous children of my sister Madeleine: George (in the middle), Oscar and Torin. I love these guys more than i could ever say.

This is my mum, Madeleine, and Torin gets another showing. We were on holiday in Devon in August. Great fun.

This is the lovely Suzy Q, a friend who came to Devon with the family. She's super cool and has a link at the top of this page, Ink On My Fingers. as does Madeleine, MePlus3.

And the lovely Kerry, my twin sister (on the right). Kerry's super clev and also great at art. Madeleine is also a fantastic artist. (I think my family are obviously all great!). Me and Kez are also chalk and cheese though, in many ways.